Não pode...

Matters of loneliness and unrest felt and written in another end of days

2010-12-21T19:24:00.002Z

It's been a long time since my last visit here. Maybe too long. For years I came to this "place" to get away from everything and everyone, to wander in the magic world that is poetry, where words have different meanings, lighter and heavier at the same time. To disguise reality with metaphors not to feel its killing grasp. To be someone else...
I'm here today for the same reasons, and for a new one - the need to throw out some things I just can't throw at people's ears and expect them to understand or accept. In fact, the idea is that no one understands this, some things are meant to die with us. This may be my last one, I'm making it as straight as possible, it doesn't need too many words.
The last year has been a nightmare, every step I take seems to land on another trap. Problems are like snow balls rolling downhill, and I'm the one pushing them down, I'm becoming my worst enemy. I can't blame anyone and I'm all alone because of my mistakes, learning to shut my heart down turned me into a stone, stones are cold and lifeless. No stone has life...
I used to see most things coming, measure the benefits they mgiht bring and the damage they might cause, then I'd decide whether I'd risk diving in or not. Now I'm a stone. No stone has eyes...
The truth is things were never easy, few things seemed to work right, still I held on. Love, faith, hope and such vital things abandoned me long ago, still I held on. I could have nothing else, still I had my standards, my dignity, things that would make me different from most people around, make me better than them. Now I gave up my dignity breaking one of my most important standards, I'be been breaking some lately, I'm becoming what I hate the most - a person. Stones have dignity, they don't speak, they don't betray, they don't look like fools. People are fake, stupid, dumb, full of themselves, they care about nothing but themselves, and truth is - most of them are also ugly. I used to hold on to my dignity. Now what am I gonna hold on to?...
Conscience is an angry screaming voice, secrets are ticking bombs. I'm carrying one right now. If it ticks forever, I'm the only one getting hurt. If it explodes, it will hurt others and me, maybe kill me for good. Good news - it can tick forever. Bad news - it's not only on me. Depending on others was always one of my greatest problems, I don't trust anyone, anything I can't do myself is something to avoid. I got myself in a fucking mess, I can't rest any second, it's fucking killing me...
Life is a hole. I was never too far from the bottom, but now I'm closer than ever...

AFI - "This Time Imperfect"

2010-03-30T07:32:00.001+01:00

Great song

Dead

2010-03-26T19:43:00.002Z

Just because there's blood flowing through his veins and air coming from his mouth that doesn't mean he's alive. In fact I don't think he could ever feel more dead. So skinny, eyes so black, skin so pale and cold, heart so small... Does he even have a heart at all?
Too tired to fight, too dry to cry.
Too quiet to speak, too dead to die.
His joy left him, his hope abandoned him. His dreams destroyed, his emotions shattered. His heart crashed and made a scar on the ground.
Though the world is still up, his has ended long ago. He has no memories of it, the little rest of his sanity's at stake.
Awful visions by day, horrible nightmares at night. His mind is full of the most depressing things we can think of and became a graveyard where he buries everything he sees and thinks so deep no one could ever find it.
There'll be no flowers, no prayers and no chants for him. Death can't take what's already dead...

+08-03-2010+

2010-03-08T16:57:00.001Z

May you rest in death, since you haven't in life...

A vision of Paradise Lost

2010-02-25T16:10:00.003Z

I've seen silhouettes of angels with burnt wings, comdemned to walk the path of the fallen in all their pain. I've seen their skin full of scars and open wounds, and their broken bones and bleeding cuts. I've seen the fields of grief. There was no grass, only dust and ashes, and lakes made of blood of the brave and the glorious, who fell in a battle which wasn't theirs to fight. I've seen wooden crosses scattered all over the floor, most half-buried by the sea of cinders that swallowed the pride and the strenght of those who will half-live forever. I've heard the screams of the silenced ones and it filled me with such emptiness that I couldn't even feel a thing. They begged for a spot on the boat of salvation, which was long gone... I felt the rain of tears of the innocent, who thought they lost everything, but they never really had nothing, nothing except their worthless innocence that would unconsciously slow them down wherever they would crawl to. I've seen the bloodthirsty beast, prowling after the children of light, who naively played among the shades of their deceased parents.
There I stood, ruthlessly watching this picture of paradise lost. And as I saw it, The Maker saw it too long ago. And in His uncomparable perfection He realised something was wrong with the picture. He couldn't have created it, cause He was so fucking perfect, so fucking brilliant. He couldn't have such aberrations for children, such torn place for home... So He took His boat and disappeared, sparing our half-lives for something He so fucking tenderly called "love", as if even He knew what that was... Without saying goodbye, without looking back, He abandoned us, left us all alone to rot, thinking He was so fucking merciful...
As I look at the picture and I see what He saw, hear what He heard and feel what He felt, I start to realise some things myself...
No justice in life, no dignity in death. We're born in an illusion, a search for a lost cause, and die ignoring the truth which stood right before our eyes all the time. We try to deny it, we kick and scream in a "no-tomorrow" frenzy. Cause we're too weak, too small to accept or even to understand any part of this chaotic path that only goes backwards. And there are no directions, no maps, only bumps in the road. And you're the best roadkill for the faceless, they keep knocking you down, and then they go over you, again, and again, and again, until you start bleeding and gasping for air. And they began a killing spree, so they come back for you. They won't leave you alone until they send you to your last home, the one where you'll spend the eternity shaking, crying, alone and afraid. And there's no hope for you, not for me, not for anyone. We're doomed from the start, from the first day we step in this unholy ground. And we didn't ask for this. We are forever and forever we are cursed with this half-life of half-accomplishments...

A vision of Post-Life experience

2010-02-21T14:52:00.002Z

I saw them in my dreams. Endless, lonely beaches where the sea and the sand were made of tears and ashes of those who are gone. Anywhere I'd go, anywhere I'd look, only sea and sand, tears and ashes... They cried of pain and sorrow, and then burned to remain somewhere where no warmth or comfort go for all eternity. The sun shined endlessly, though it was so cold, making me remember all I went through. I remember all the times I sat alone, looking into the fields of age and death, years left behind, running faster than anything you could imagine... I knew my time was coming soon...
I wanted to run, but my legs wouldn't allow me... Strenght to move gave up on me... Seems my body abandoned me in this place where my mind will be forever trapped... All I want is a chance to go back... I have so many things left to do... So many things...
They told me to die with dignity.
There's no dignity in death.
Only pain, suffering and blood tears straight from the heart to those who stay.
Only cold, fear and loneliness to those who are gone. Again, and again... and again...

Interpol - "No I in Threesome"

2009-07-23T16:21:00.000+01:00

Atreyu - "Ex's and Oh's"

2009-07-14T20:47:00.001+01:00

That Voice

2008-11-06T01:01:00.002Z

I just needed to write something new... Trying to feel a little less alone... Eeven if I know nobdy's reading it...

Sometimes I wonder...
Why the fuck do I have a head,
Why the fuck do I have a conscience?
"Go ahead..."
When all it does is to piss me off,
To tell me how absurd I am,
How distorted my reality seems,
How unworthy to live I am...

"Do you have the balls?"
Sometimes I feel like I should be dead...
Oh how I feel like dying...
I need to die... soon...
"Of course you don't..."
This life is made only for the strongest,
The fittest...
Not such aberrations like me...

If you caN't make it just kill yourself
"You're such a weakling..."
Do the world a favor, kill yourself...

Why am I not healing,
"For fuck sake, just end it..."
If I thought almost everything
Was going fine now...

I just can't change some things...
I can't change the way I act,
"Poor fool, finish what you started..."
I can't change the way I look at you,
I can't change my fucking self...

I don't feel like I belong here,
"It will sooner or later consume you..."
I don't feel I should be here,
"you're here to justify the stronger ones..."
I just feel like bleeding to death...

Yes, it bleeds...
"The world doesn't need your absurd whining..."
My heart keeps bleeding...

I'll just burn it,
Hope it ends all this,
"What are you waiting for?"
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP
Hope I can even write a good fucking thing,
Instead of whining about how I can't be a damn normal human being...

I feel so alone, so small...
"Asyou always were... smaller than an insect..."

I wish the warm flesh could lend me its secrets now...
I need it to...
"As you always were... haha, so worthless that it's even a shame..."
I'm so full that I'm almost blowing up...

It can't go on like this...
I must do something...
"FUCKING DO IT YOU PIECE OF TRASH!"
LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE
The easiest way was always my way, and so it shall continue to be...

Why can't I just kill myself and end all this?...

I thought if I'd write it down i'd feel better...
"You'll feel better when you do it..."
Well I don't... What am I supposed to do?...

Why can't it be all superficial?...
All the wounds...
Why can't the odds hide themselves behind the mist?...

I feel dead...
"You are so... You just don't know it yet..."
I feel too dead to die...

Why can't I just kill myself and end all this?...

Pain and suffering walks your path along with you...
Until the end...
"You want it..."

Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic

2008-01-05T02:41:00.000Z

Circa Survive - "The difference between medicine and poison is in the dose" & "Act appaled"

2007-11-11T14:41:00.001Z

I'm back...

Saosin - "Voices"

2007-06-05T01:22:00.000+01:00

Estou de volta... não sei por quanto tempo... mas entretanto fica aqui um vídeo... espero que alguém goste tanto como eu...

Lights and Shadows

2007-04-26T18:06:00.000+01:00

All the rage spread and turned into light. The good feeling turned into the bad one. Or was it otherwise?
I don't know. I'm not sure of anything. In fact I know nothing... You made me forget everything.
The light's fading... I'm so near the darkness I can even feel it in my heart... It's beyond my senses...
Sick of the fight. Tired of always being here, drawing unalive pictures of what my mind tells me.
My mouth remains shut. The best way to keep it all inside. Just for me...
My mind is trapped. Trapped inside this useless body, this cage. I want to break free from these chains. But I feel I can't do anything. No, I can't... There's no strenght left...
Why be like this? Why always expect something good from people, from you? Why dream? Why love?
Why not die?
Why not fall completely into shadows?
It's rising in me... it's getting stronger everyday. I can feel it shaking the walls, tearing them apart, taking away what I used to be...
Only one image remains here, getting clearer and clearer everyday... Among the few good things left, it grows significantly...
All the promises, all the hopes flew away... the wind took them... Or was it something else? Or someone else?...
That day clouds shook, the sky got dark, the lightnings touched the ground... The poison got into my veins, corrupting my heart... It's too late to stop it... Or not... Maybe one thing can stop it... One day...

Drowning

2007-04-24T18:04:00.000+01:00

In this hopelessly endless sea
Everytime i try to come to the surface
It seems life's hands keep pulling me down
To be drowning, reminding your sweet face

Never thought to be in this situation
The water keeps silencing my voice
So near the land but so far from salvation
I want to get out but i have no choice...

A ship passes by, it's so near...
But it won't see my struggling in desperation
My real fate is to be left here
Away from everybody's reality and imagination

The only one who can save me is you
Hear my scremas when you sleep
And when you wake, notice that it's true
Rescue me, help me from getting so weak...

Time goes by, my clock stopped working
I'm stuck somewhere out of time...
I just can't stop crying and screaming
I'm drowning and the fault isn't mine...

Silverstein - Discovering The Waterfront

2007-04-23T12:51:00.000+01:00

Uma grande música que quero dedicar a certas pessoas que nunca vão ser esquecidas... Espero que gostem.

Sentimentos II

2007-04-20T17:23:00.000+01:00

Não deves saber o que sinto por ti, muito menos deves retribuir o sentimento... Qual é o problema então? A dúvida? Sim, é adequado dizer dúvida... ou talvez não, hoje já não sei o que é adequado ou não, porque a tua voz, o teu cheiro, o teu toque e até a tua simples presença me deixam estupidamente impotente... E tu nem reparas...
Não tenho medo de percorrer este mundo sozinho até ao dia em que a fatalidade do destino se abater sobre mim... mas tenho medo de te perder, tenho medo de não ouvir a tua voz nunca mais..e tenho medo de ti... E tu nem reparas...
Infeliz é aquele que tudo sente, mas que não tem certezas acerca de nada... A frieza é uma benção, a insensibilidade também o é e assim é o ódio... Porque este sentimento cujo nome tenho medo de pronunciar vai-me destruindo lentamente e, não sendo correspondido, não me deixa ser feliz... E quando o ódio que tenho para com a vida desaparecer e tu estiveres a precisar de alguém, eu estarei algures para lá do tempo, a passar despercebido pela vida e só tu saberás que eu lá estou... Sente a brisa da noite que transporta o meu mais puro toque a passar pelo teu corpo, vê as estrelas brilhantes que se falassem revelar-te-íam os meus segredos e no frio silêncio da mais escura noite ouve o meu chro, ouve o meu grito de dor e ouve o meu chamamento pelo nome que para o bem e para o mal carrego no coração... o teu...
Não tenho culpa de gostar de ti... Sou uma pessoa normal... Sofro na mais profunda solidão e nela me escondo, sempre à espera do teu reconfortante chamar... mas ele não vem... e assim fico, à espera de algo que sei que nunca virá...
Tenho medo que não compreendas a mensagem presente nesta breve lamentação, até porque não espero que a leias... Mas então porque a escrevo? A solidão pode ser a nossa melhor companhia e nós próprios os nossos melhores confidentes...
Não posso negar o meu medo, não posso esquecer este sentimento nem renegá-lo, não posso renunciar a quem sou... sou alguém que ama (!) e sofre com isso... sou uma pessoa normal...
e vou continuar a sofrer sem ti, os meus olhos vão continuar a chorar sem ti, o meu coração vai continuar a sangrar sem ti...

Sentimentos

2007-04-19T13:36:00.000+01:00

Já não sou "eu". Sinto-me como uma sombra, uma sombra do que era antes, uma sombra que ninguém vê nem quer ver. É-me cada vez mais difícil sorrir... e tudo por tua causa...mas tu nem reparas...
Sinto que o que havia entre nós está a perder-se, sinto que te estou a perder... mas é por minha causa, porque não tenho coragem para te dizer o que sinto
Sinto-te cada vez mais distante , sinto um cada vez maior afastamento entre nós... não podes imaginar como me sinto, porque palavras não chegam para descrever sentimentos, e tu não vais ler estas palavras...
Sinto-me perdido a tentar encontrar-te. Ou pelo menos a tentar encontrar uma parte de ti que me seja sensível. Estou perdido no meio destes pensamentos de ti e neles me refugio, tentando encontar alguma alegria, algum consolo... mas cada vez encontro neles mais tristeza, mais afgastamento de ti... mais afastamento de mim...
Sinto-me ao mesmo tempo frustrado por uma busca sem resultados e pela mesma razão furioso... enraivecido... o cansaço de lutar para tentar contrariar a minha tendência descendente torna-se cada vez mais forte... mais forte que eu... mais forte que a vida... mas não mais forte que este sentimento que carrego involuntariamente no coração. Não, nada é mais forte que este sentimento que tenho por ti... mas tu nem reparas...

My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You

2007-04-18T21:15:00.000+01:00

Uma música que não há palavras para descrever, uma voz fantástica, uma sonoridade fora de série... os MCR (My Chemical Romance) continuam a surpreender pela positiva. Depois do single"Famous Last Words" vem este "I Don't Love You" . Espero que gostem tanto como eu.

Saosin - Seven Years

2007-04-15T12:03:00.000+01:00

Ouvi esta música há alguns dias e desde aí adorei-a, ouço a todos os dias muitas vezes por dia, muitas vezes por dia todos os dias e vice-versa...bem já estou baralhado... Apreciem (ou não)...

Suicide

2007-04-14T17:39:00.000+01:00

Tell me

How many times have you cried

Alone in your room, renegade angel?

Explain me

How can you keep living like that

Trying to escape fate’s blood-soaked hands?

You have no more strength

Your fighting chance is lost…

You can’t deny it

Soon your nightmare will end…

Your life’s short wings will bend

To spread again somewhere far

But you can’t help to suffer…

Inside your own thoughts of sorrow

Of desperation

You won’t wake up tomorrow

It’s your final destination

You know your time’s getting shorter

And everything’s getting darker…

You know

Deep inside

No one will give you a helping hand

You’re unwanted to life

Unwanted to everybody

Unwanted to your self…

You know

You’re about to end this affliction

It will all end…

You’re about to end your life…

Moonspell - Luna

2007-01-05T10:37:00.000Z

Vamos lá deixar-nos de brincar com a música nacional e parar de nos acharmos importantes porque alguém nitidamente sem grandes conhecimentos musicais se barricou numa rádio para chamar a atenção. Vamos lá ser sinceros... Esse inculto que dá por nome de Sam the Kid, que fez ele pela música nacional para criticar aqueles que ainda conseguem ganhar prémios musicais por Portugal?? Ele não tem o direito de fazer o que fez pelo simples facto de que nunca ganhou nada, nunca fez NADA pela música nacional que não fosse estragá-la... Vamos lá manter-nos no nosso lugar, há que saber ficar calado quando é preciso... Para que vejam o que eu quero dizer, fica aqui o videoclip de "Luna" por Moonspell, aqueles que ganharam em 2006 o prémio de melhor artista português da MTV e não criticaram ninguém. Que sirva o exemplo.

Panic! At The Disco - Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

2006-11-29T09:11:00.000Z