Matters of loneliness and unrest felt and written in another end of days

It's been a long time since my last visit here. Maybe too long. For years I came to this "place" to get away from everything and everyone, to wander in the magic world that is poetry, where words have different meanings, lighter and heavier at the same time. To disguise reality with metaphors not to feel its killing grasp. To be someone else...
I'm here today for the same reasons, and for a new one - the need to throw out some things I just can't throw at people's ears and expect them to understand or accept. In fact, the idea is that no one understands this, some things are meant to die with us. This may be my last one, I'm making it as straight as possible, it doesn't need too many words.
The last year has been a nightmare, every step I take seems to land on another trap. Problems are like snow balls rolling downhill, and I'm the one pushing them down, I'm becoming my worst enemy. I can't blame anyone and I'm all alone because of my mistakes, learning to shut my heart down turned me into a stone, stones are cold and lifeless. No stone has life...
I used to see most things coming, measure the benefits they mgiht bring and the damage they might cause, then I'd decide whether I'd risk diving in or not. Now I'm a stone. No stone has eyes...
The truth is things were never easy, few things seemed to work right, still I held on. Love, faith, hope and such vital things abandoned me long ago, still I held on. I could have nothing else, still I had my standards, my dignity, things that would make me different from most people around, make me better than them. Now I gave up my dignity breaking one of my most important standards, I'be been breaking some lately, I'm becoming what I hate the most - a person. Stones have dignity, they don't speak, they don't betray, they don't look like fools. People are fake, stupid, dumb, full of themselves, they care about nothing but themselves, and truth is - most of them are also ugly. I used to hold on to my dignity. Now what am I gonna hold on to?...
Conscience is an angry screaming voice, secrets are ticking bombs. I'm carrying one right now. If it ticks forever, I'm the only one getting hurt. If it explodes, it will hurt others and me, maybe kill me for good. Good news - it can tick forever. Bad news - it's not only on me. Depending on others was always one of my greatest problems, I don't trust anyone, anything I can't do myself is something to avoid. I got myself in a fucking mess, I can't rest any second, it's fucking killing me...
Life is a hole. I was never too far from the bottom, but now I'm closer than ever...